In the small, wee hours the bedroom door gradually swings open and D’Better Half nudges me, and says that we are about to have a guest joining us! Leaning forward there is a silhouette of the nearly three year old, waiting in the doorway for ‘permission’ to come into the room. This is a nice touch, particularly seen as it isn’t something we normally see from her when she is awake.

We tell her she can come in and then she trundles, still in that semi-sleep, towards the bed before clambering over us and commandeering the centre of the double bed. The actual clambering shows exquisite balance and movement that I can only wonder at. For a child her size it’s a good climb and then she pretty much throws herself over D’Better Half and lands perfectly aligned with us, right in the middle. A wonderful display that scores perfect marks from the judges.

But does she stay there? Not a chance!

Five minutes later, just long enough to allow us to think we are sorted and can go back to sleep, and the nearly three year old starts “The Wriggle”. The Wriggle is when she starts to fidget and stretch, dance and kick, pull and push while remaining completely asleep. She stays asleep but D’Better Half and I are gradually repositioned according to our offspring’s wishes until we are balancing on 6 to 9 inches of mattress edge whilst the smallest member of the family luxuriates in the remainder of the bed.

What’s more, the previous perfect alignment is gone. At this stage the judges would be tearing up their scorecards and scratching their heads as they wonder if a negative score is possible.

It’s not even as simple as saying she turns around. She seems to have mastered some form of bi-location which allows her to point in several directions at the same time. Then it all settles for a while and there is the soothing sound of three harmonious snores.

I then get rudely awakened a few minutes later. There are two small feet placed firmly in my back and I am being evicted forcibly from my small corner of the bed. Nearly Three has managed to use her mother’s back as a support for the great heave that is aimed at getting BFD out of the bed. It takes a few minutes but eventually she is restored to something like a normal position and I can return to my allotted piece of bed.

Shortly after this Nearly Three sits bolt upright in the bed and points to the TV in the corner and asks for Tom & Jerry to be put on. The clock on the locker currently reads 03.47. I actually start trying to explain that despite wanting to watch cartoons myself, it is far too early in the morning for TV and that she has to go back to sleep. It’s only when half way through the sentence that I realise she is sitting up and pointing, with her eyes firmly closed and her snoring continuing. Once again I restore her to a comfortable position and turn around to go back asleep.

The final battle for the evening is when I start getting slapped in the face. Her tiny hand is swinging up and down slapping the side of my head with persuasive force. I turn around to see what’s happening now as she sleeps, with frequent bursts of laughter, giggling and shouting of random phrases. As I turn my face comes to an inch of Nearly Threes face and I see two big, wide awake eyes staring right back at me. Her face is painted with a great big smile. I really don’t want to laugh but it’s very, very difficult to restrain myself. No sooner have I realised that the night’s sleep is over and maybe it’s time to take Nearly Three downstairs to give D’Better Half a few hours decent sleep when I notice that she has gone back to sleep. And this time it’s restful and allows everyone else to get some sleep.

Sweet and all as it is there has to be some solution to allow the nice parts of this midnight visitor to live in harmony with our need to get some sleep. But the bed just isn’t big enough.

Unless we got a wall to wall mattress installed instead of a carpet? A real Bed – Room, where the entire floor area is one great big comfy mattress. Dragons Den, here we come!!!